I accidentally burped into my bong.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
