Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
