oh god the rape fog is back!
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
