you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I currently don't understand fingers.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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