Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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