This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
