I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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