toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
