So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
