theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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