It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Randomize
