I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
we're making bets on your personal life
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Randomize
