I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
