Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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