I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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