I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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