Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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