Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
