I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
