he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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