Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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