i already hear my dad disowning me
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
