Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
