Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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