I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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