This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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