I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
