If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
