dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
