Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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