I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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