Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
