sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
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