Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
