My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
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