dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
