Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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