I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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