you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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