the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
