Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
