I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
