Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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