I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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