I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
