they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
