Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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