its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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