Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
