I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Randomize
