I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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