This is not my ceiling
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
It's blow job season.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
