I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
