your room smells of hookers.
And success
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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