I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
